Psychology professionals say dreams contain images and symbols that send us important messages about what’s happening in our waking life and our feelings about it. The symbols can also be clues that are a solution to a problem such as unresolved issues, or they can give us more insight to how to view a situation. They may also help us uncover things about ourselves and our thoughts that we were not aware of. Knowing the meaning of dreams can give us awareness of how to deal with fears and insecurities. They can also help us realize how to navigate difficult situations or give us clarity when we are not sure about what decision to make. But what if some dreams contained stories and images that we also experienced in a past life. What if parts of our dreams are remnants of past lives? After all, if we didn’t learn an important lesson in a previous life, certain patterns and events can repeat in the unfolding story of our next one.
I had one complex dream that might have been a glimpse into one of my past lives. The setting was during an interesting time of US history. I never would have imagined dreaming about being an American dressmaker at the onset of the Revolutionary War, and a good one at that. Though I once entertained the idea about becoming a fashion designer and wished I could have learned how to design and sew ornate and fabulous dresses in waking life, that skill or talent didn’t become a part of my destiny. While in my slumber and dream state, the American dressmaker became my new identity. I had no conscious thought of my current reality of being an American English teacher in China or an aspiring blog writer. In my dream reality, it wasn’t unusual for me to be seen making ornate dresses for aristocratic ladies despite not being one myself. I was wealthy enough to live a comfortable lifestyle and support myself, but I didn’t come from a high society family. My lifestyle was more middle class and was filled with the perks of a successful single woman. The way I lived my life was rare amongst women of that time because a woman’s value in those days was determined by the status of whomever she married. Being independent or wanting success like a man was frowned upon in those days. So, most countryside women could only dream of what it was like to be me, having my own shop in town and getting to venture into the city. I was lucky to learn such a great skill from my mother and somehow figured out how to be the best at it. Since I became well-known for designing the best and most beautiful dresses, I was very popular. My work was on high demand to where I was quite busy. Whenever I was the same size as a customer, I seized the opportunity to try on the customer’s dress to see how it might fit or appear on that lady. If I had spare time, I would look in the mirror and imagine myself wearing one of these exquisite dresses around town or even at a ball.
This past-life dream actually began with me being in my city dress shop and wearing a light pink pastel and white dress with a lot of ruffles, lace, and bows. Seeing how excited and dazzled I felt while looking in the mirror, it obviously wasn’t a dress that I normally wore. Although I lived in a country town outside the city dress shop, I spent most of my time there. Since I practically lived at my shop, a lady friend came there on this particular day with a letter inviting me to a barn dance. It was unclear whether it was a family dress shop first opened by my mother or that I personally opened it. It also wasn’t unusual for me to stay up all night sewing, which would mean that I would need to spend the night at the shop. Sometimes I would fall asleep at the table or sleep on a small cot. My mother often told me that she would rather me spend the night at the shop than make a long carriage trip home. When I did spend the night there instead of going home before dark, she would always worry about me.
I didn’t know what to wear to the barn dance because I didn’t have any time to make something for myself. I thought maybe I could borrow the dress for a short time to go to the barn dance, but I would be overdressed. Maybe I could make all the lady friends envious of me if I did. Perhaps, I would be the talk of the dance party and the sparkling gem of everyone’s eyes. Inner debate about doing it or following through with my thoughts was inevitable, because it was a risk. It also was not the best or a very honest thing to do. Many thoughts continued to flood my mind. What aristocratic lady would want their middle-class dressmaker wearing their newest and most fashionable dress to a dance before they got to wear it? Getting seen or caught wearing my customer’s dress would ruin my credibility and make me lose business. If I was really careful, perhaps I could successfully get away with it. If I couldn’t, fabricating a good excuse would be Plan B.
I left the shop wearing the dress because there would be no time to go back home to change into the dress before the barn dance and carrying it in a bag would wrinkle the fabric. I needed to wear a long shawl or blanket around me to cover the fancy embroidery and needlework until I made it to the carriage. Once I got to the countryside, it would be less likely that important familiar faces would spot me. If someone did happen to see me and question me, I would say that I often am a model for fitting a customer’s dress. Then I would further explain that I was trying this dress on when I was abruptly interrupted by a drunk guy from the gentlemen’s club who walked into my shop demanding money. Of course, I had to quickly run out of my shop to escape the man’s attempt to grab me. It wasn’t unlikely that a drunk man who gambled all his money away at a horse race or a boxing match might be desperate enough to do that. So, I believed it was a plausible excuse.
After further debate, I decided to follow through with my plan that evening. I left in a carriage and wore the dress. On the way, it started to storm. The carriage almost arrived at the barn dance, or what I thought was the place. The driver seemed to have gotten lost and took me to the wrong location. We got to a bump in the road, and the horses got alarmed. The residence I arrived at was a lot nicer than where a barn dance would be. It was a luxurious mansion and not a countryside cottage or a quaint little ranch with a barn. I got out of the carriage, and I fell and hit my head. Everything went black in the dream and then when dream images came back to my sight, I immediately saw the face and eyes of a handsome gentleman in a stunning coat looking down at me. He knelt down to help me up. My dress was all soiled, and I was a wet mess. The man grabbed my hand and asked for my name. He looked at me as if I looked very familiar to him and was trying to figure out where he had seen my face before. For some reason, I couldn’t say or remember what my name was. My dream was insinuating that I temporarily lost my memory or had a case of amnesia.
“Oh dear, I think I hit my head way too hard when I fell and can’t seem to remember anything at the moment,” I remarked.
The young gentleman just smiled and laughed. “You are a beautiful young lady, but your dress is all wet.” “Let’s get you washed up and get a new dress for you.”
He thought I was a young aristocratic lady on the way to his estate to attend a ball that he was hosting for the purpose of finding a wife. That means he viewed me as an eligible single lady who was interested in seeking him as a husband, but I didn’t realize it yet.
Everything in the dream after that was a blur. It started speeding up and skipping scenes to being at his residence with his servants preparing a hot bath mixed with lovely smelling herbs and rose petals. After drying off, I was given a robe. The maids also dressed me and fixed my hair in an ornate style. They even adorned my hair with beautiful hair pins and clips. As soon as my face was given a touch of powder, another maid knocked on the door to say that his doctor arrived to examine me. At that moment, I was magically fitted with a new absolutely luxurious dress, way more luxurious than what I was wearing. It was a glamorous evening ball gown in contrast to the day dress I previously had on for the barn dance. The dream made it unclear how I got it. It was probably a dress that belonged to a female relative, or it was something he had a servant buy or borrow from an aristocratic lady. I went down a long flight of stairs to meet the doctor. He had a look of surprise to see me there as if he wasn’t expecting to see a beautiful lady in a fancy gown at the estate.
All the help also gave me the same expression of curiosity and wonder: “Who is she? Who is this lady, and why haven’t we seen her with our master before?” I noticed that the maids and butlers were a little nervous about making a good impression on me, and some of them seemed a little competitive about helping me with a task. They wouldn’t let me do anything by myself. I wasn’t used to all the attention I was getting, but I enjoyed pretending to be an aristocratic lady and acting as if this was a normal day in my life. Perhaps, the help was afraid if I wasn’t satisfied with their service that it would disappoint the master. Some of the maids and butlers looked as if they knew a secret. They would whisper to each other when they thought I wasn’t paying attention and snicker. Little did I know it, but they really did know a secret. The maids and butlers noticed a change in the master since the very moment he brought me inside the house. He was lighter and more jovial than usual, and the butlers even heard him singing while he was getting ready for the ball. They were sure that the master of the house was love struck by my presence in his home. He usually dreaded going to balls because he would leave each one without finding a lady that fancied his interest. This was the first time he was throwing his own ball. He had previously been hoping that by having his own ball he would have better results. All the ladies would probably dote on him because he was hosting it to find an eligible bride. However, he was tickled and delighted by the fact that the universe allowed him to cross paths with a beauty that made him feel wonderful even before the ball started. He realized that he didn’t even have to continue with this ball, because he already found a woman he wanted to court. But other guests besides me would be arriving soon, and he couldn’t turn people away at the last minute. He quickly changed into a ball suit and also had a powdered face and hair.
Before the guests arrived, the doctor looked at me and diagnosed me with amnesia. The fact that I had amnesia, and my past couldn’t be known didn’t seem to bother the master. He figured that I would slowly be able to recover my memories and that we could build new memories together in the meantime. As time passed, I waited upstairs for the ball to start. Finally, guests started to arrive and names of people on the guest list were announced. The ball commenced with people chatting and drinking champagne while nibbling on hors d’oeuvres. I could hear the liveliness downstairs and was excited to see all the action, but my body wouldn’t move to get up. It was as if my body was frozen in place or that my derriere was glued to the vanity chair. Nervousness and fear overcame me. On the outside, I appeared as a beautiful aristocratic lady. But on the inside, being a person with no identity troubled me. I couldn’t seem to remember who I was and trying to recall my life gave me a massive headache. “Will everyone at the ball notice that I am a pretender?” There was a knock at the bedroom door.
A voice from one of the butlers summoned me, “Young Madame, the master is eagerly awaiting your presence downstairs. And he asks if you are Ok.”
I let in a deep breath and then I responded, “Tell the master I am doing just fine and that I will be down before he can finish one glass of champagne.”
The butler laughed and responded, “Then, I’ll tell the master that it’s a race to see which one of you is faster.” The butler’s words got my attention, and I knew I must absolutely get downstairs before he’d actually finish his first glass of champagne.
As I opened the door and started down the stairs, I told myself that it didn’t matter where I came from. It mattered what I believed myself to be. And in that moment of self-doubt, I began to believe that I was just as good if not better than any other aristocratic lady. Not only was I beautiful and charming, I had a big heart too. I told myself that it was time to get out there and charm the crowd. One step after the other I braved towards the door. After gently opening the door, my heart started beating fast. The commotion downstairs seemed to fade in the background compared to the sound of my pounding heart. Everything seemed to get quiet, and I could hear my sparkling golden shoes that matched my golden glittering gown touch the first step at the top of the staircase. Trying hard not to make my presence overly announced, I quietly made my way down the staircase that led into the ballroom. As I gracefully descended down the stairs, the atmosphere in the ballroom seemed to change. My plan was to inconspicuously blend into the background among the other guests. Despite my desire to communicate with the guests, I was somewhat nervous at the thought of doing so without remembering details about myself. What if they asked me, “Who are you? Who are your parents?” Saying I can’t remember wouldn’t be an adequate reply. Perhaps, if I talked to some guests, maybe they might know who I was. I was almost sure someone would recognize me and my family and be able to help me jog my memory. If my parents were indeed aristocrats, perhaps they would already be at the ball.
As I continued to spiral my way down, I nervously looked for the young master as he was the only one I knew or could remember. All of a sudden, my mind emptied of all thoughts as I spotted the young master of the house. He was standing all the way to the other side of the ballroom talking to some guests. I watched as different women introduced themselves to him and his male guests. It was almost as if he was able to sense my gaze and my presence. A sensation came over me. My energy was being drawn or pulled towards him like a magnet. As soon as I had this thought, the young master seemed to get distracted from the conversation and turned around towards my direction. The expression on his face changed and his eyes opened wider and his eyebrows raised. His reaction made me wonder if he could feel the same magnetic pull that I felt.
The man who he was talking to asked, “Who’s that girl?”
He responded, “She’s my guest and my first dance partner for the night.”
Then the young master started to slip away towards me. My heart seemed to skip a beat, and I began to be short of breath. Then he was stopped by yet another eligible young lady that he seemed to know. So, I started to fan my face while wondering how I could distract myself from the way he made me feel when I looked at him. At that moment, the music started and the young lady asked him if he would do the honor of dancing with her. Being a gentleman, he honored her request but then more women huddled around him to also ask for a dance. That’s when he decided to politely assert, “I must attend to another guest first, so perhaps we can dance later if none of you ladies are occupied in the arms of another man.” He cleverly managed to escape from the huddle of girls and made his way towards the bottom of the stairs where I was still standing.
The young master stretched out his hand and jokingly asked, “Will you come out here and dance with me or would you rather me watch you dance on the stairs?”
I couldn’t help but break out in a smile and laugh with him even if I tried to hold it back. No one had been dancing together yet, as they were waiting for the host of the ball to make the first move. All of a sudden, everyone at the ball seemed awestruck and curious about who I was. They were whispering and guessing who I could be or whether I was someone that they had known and hadn’t seen in a long time. “What a beauty!” I heard a friend of the young master say.
The young master saw my nervous look and remarked, “You look as if you are worried that you forgot how to dance.”
I responded, “Well, I did fall down and hit my head pretty hard.”
While I was wondering if I ever learned how to dance, the young master gently grabbed my right hand with his left hand and took me to the middle of the ballroom. Then, he took his right hand and placed it on my back and I could feel the warmth of his hands. We locked eyes as I placed my left hand on his arm. Next, I could feel myself being spun around while staring into his eyes.
“You see, you don’t have to worry about remembering how to dance, because I can move you gracefully just like magic,” chuckled the master.
“Is it just me or do you happen to feel that all eyes are on us at this very moment?” I inquired of him.
He glanced around the ballroom and saw other men and women glancing over at us while we were dancing. “Ah, I think that it’s because they are enchanted by your beauty tonight,” declared the lord of the estate.
I blushed and laughed, “I think they are just mesmerized by the fact that I am dancing with you.”
“Perhaps it’s both. Let’s give them something to stare about,” he suggested.
As we continued to dance, he smirked. Then, he leaned towards me and brought his face and his gaze closer to mine. His lips slowly and gently moved towards mine as if he was about to kiss me but stopped abruptly as if to tease me. He, then, pulled me closer towards his body with the arm that was behind my back. I glanced to the right and to the left of me and noticed that no other pair was dancing this intimately. The crowd seemed to disappear from that moment on as I focused intently on the warmth of his chest and his stomach. Suddenly, I blushed because of interrupting thoughts I began to have that the other guests must think our behavior was somewhat inappropriate. However, I didn’t care because I enjoyed feeling the warmth of his body against mine.
When the dance came to a close, I had a strong desire to stay in his arms for the rest of the evening. However, the next dance required that we switch partners periodically throughout the musical piece to get to know other eligible attendees of the opposite gender. It was somewhat like speed courting. When we switched partners, we only had time to say a few words to each other before switching again. Throughout the entirety of switching partners, I glanced around to see where he was and who he was with. I noticed whenever I was able to spot him, he was also glancing back at me. Finally, the group dance ended and this time I thought that perhaps it was my turn to move towards him to have another dance. But before I could make the move, I felt a hand on my shoulder from behind and thought he must have gotten to me first. When I turned around, I saw that it was his friend that he had been talking to earlier. He was the friend that exclaimed that I was such a beauty.
His friend asked, “Shall we?”
I nodded my head and wondered why dancing seemed so natural to me after I danced with the lord. However, dancing with everyone else seemed so awkward to the point that I almost forgot how.
The lord’s friend said, “You look very familiar. I should know you, but I can’t remember where or how.”
I was speechless, because I didn’t know who I was.
I relaxed as he playfully whispered, “Oh, shall I guess? You must be a girl Sir Edmund, has known for a long time. Oh, I remember. You resemble his childhood sweetheart who went back to England to study. That would explain why everyone doesn’t recognize you. You’re Anne. They haven’t seen you in a long time.”
I nodded and cleverly responded, “You can call me Anne.”
So, I finally knew the lord and master of this house was named Sir Edmund. Perhaps, I reminded the lord of Anne, which would explain why he held me so closely. Lord Edmund’s friend brought me to him after the dance was over. As we approached him, I saw that he was talking with the girl who first asked him for a dance. They must have just finished dancing. Lord Edmund said, “Please excuse me” to her. Then she curtsied and was about to walk away to find another dance partner when Edmund’s friend asked if she would wait a moment to dance with him.
Edmund’s friend said to him, “Sorry I stole your beautiful Anne from you. I quite enjoyed dancing with her.”
Edmund looked stunned for a moment but then he grinned. I’m wondering if he is stunned because he thinks I am Anne or if he is surprised that his friend thinks I am Anne.
Lord Edmund asked, “So you remembered your name? You are really Anne?”
I replied, “I’m not certain, but your friend thinks I look like someone you have known for a long time and once loved.”
Edmund laughed and graciously commented, “You are more beautiful than Anne, but we will find out eventually. Is it possible that Anne blossomed into you?”
I reacted with a giggle and jokingly remarked, “Anne would be insulted if she ever found out you thought a stranger like me was more beautiful than her.”
“But you are not a stranger anymore, because today I found out that your name is Anne.
“And now I know your name too,” I replied teasingly.
“What did my good friend tell you my name was?” he inquired.
“Lord Edmund”, I answered.
“Oh please, just call me Edmund,” he insisted. “Are you prepared to dance with me for the entire night, Anne?”
I realized I was too preoccupied with wanting to be in Sir Edmund’s arms again that I forgot to get a small bite to eat or more champagne to drink.
“I’m a little hungry, but I guess I can handle a few more dances before I have a bite to eat,” I uttered.
Edmund responded, “I didn’t have much to eat either. Who has time to eat when you can be dancing with a lady as lovely as you?”
Lord Edmund then motioned for his butler to come to him and quietly whispered, “Please tell the cooks to leave enough leftover food to use as a midnight snack for Anne and me as well as a few other guests who will stay the night. Instruct them to put some food on the long table in the banquet room.”
That night I danced so much with Edmund that my shoes became worn and my feet were sore. The clock tower struck midnight, and it was time for everyone to leave. Furthermore, my stomach was still empty. Although dancing and spending the whole night with Edmund felt like a wonderful dream, I almost couldn’t wait for those of us that were left to go into the banquet room. Edmund clasped his hands together and made a loud clapping sound that echoed across the ballroom.
He declared to everyone that was left, “Well, it was surely a magical night to remember. For those of you who didn’t get a decent bite to eat because your feet were too busy moving like mine, follow me into the banquet room. If you are tired instead of hungry, let me know, and I will get someone to escort you to your room.”
Edmund’s friend replied with enthusiasm, “Even I had enough to eat, but all that dancing made me work up another appetite. Am I right?”
While his friend was speaking, I was looking around at the other guests. Everyone nodded and started walking towards us. Edmund grabbed my arm, and we walked side-by-side with locked arms as if this was something we always did. Everyone followed us to the banquet room, and we all stood around the long banquet table waiting to be seated. A lot of leftover food was on the table as if we were about to have a large feast to celebrate a special occasion. His best friend and I sat down together on one side of him as honored guests and his mother and father sat down on the other side of him as his other two most honored guests. Then twelve other guests remained, six important lords and six important ladies. The butlers set the table with fresh plates and silverware and brought some fresh warm food to the table that other guests didn’t have the pleasure of eating.
His mother grabbed my hand and looked me in the eyes with watery eyes and voiced, “We’re delighted that you are here, Anne. Welcome to the family.”
I was so touched by her gesture, but also not expecting such warm hospitality. I wondered if Edmund’s friend told his parents I was the girl from his past. It’s possible his parents were being so kind to me because they thought I was an old love of Edmund that would rekindle.
“Eat as much as you want, Anne, and enjoy what this night brings,” encouraged Edmund’s father.
Everyone at the table began eating, drinking, and chatting together merrily.
Before long, Edmund decided to be spontaneous and do something that could come across as rash behavior. He abruptly got up from the table, cleared his throat, and proclaimed, “I have an announcement.” He looked at everyone and placed his hand on my back. “Usually, I would wait to do this after a long time of courting with a girl, but I feel our situation is special.” Then, he motioned for the butler and whispered in his ear. As the butler left the room, Edmund continued speaking, “I couldn’t think of a more perfect night for this occasion than the night of the ball while all of my closest or most important friends and family are here in one place.” The butler returned with a jewelry box. Edmund first took out a necklace from the jewelry box. It sparkled under the chandelier light and also from the light of the moon coming in from one of the windows. It was a rather ornate necklace made of crystals and pearls. He then stretched out the necklace between his two hands and announced, “This is a courting gift for Anne as a token of my desire to get to know her more despite having the feeling of already knowing her. Anne, will you accept this gift as an agreement to court with me?” I smiled and blushed and nodded my head, and then Edmund stood behind me and romantically put the necklace around my neck. Everyone clapped and cheered, but then the commotion was interrupted because everyone was curious about the next thing that Edmund was pulling out of the box. To my surprise, Edmund displayed an engagement ring. While everyone, including myself, sat in astonishment, Edmund quickly declared, “I know this proposal is premature, but it’s not yet official because it’s still up to Anne to decide while she is courting me. But from the first moment I laid eyes on Anne, I already saw her as a part of my future.” Edmund grasped my hand and led me to stand next to him at the front of the table and then proposed, “Do you see me being a part of your future, Anne?” Before I could respond, he placed the ring on my finger and professed, “I would like for you to wear this ring for a day and think about becoming my wife. This ring is a valuable family heirloom, so I hope you cherish it while wearing it. Four months later, I will ask again whether you want to be my wife. And if you say yes, this ring will be yours forever. Please take a moment to imagine what it would be like for you to be my wife and me to be your husband. This is my proposal to you Anne, but I want to give you more time to decide. Since you are a long way from home, you can stay with us as long as you like at our estate as our most esteemed guest. You are free to wear this ring tonight as you sleep and tomorrow as we go out for a stroll and a picnic with afternoon tea. But after tomorrow, I will return it to this box for safekeeping until the official engagement day when it will be placed on your hand again. However, the necklace is yours to wear any day that you like. And every day that I see it graced on your neck will be a happy day indeed.”
“This is splendid,” proclaimed Edmund’s mother. “I’ve haven’t seen you be so sure about being with a girl in a long time,” she added.
“Neither have I,” Edmund’s friend commented.
I smiled and blushed at everyone’s words, but became quiet to ponder for a moment. Although the entire night could be compared to a wonderful dream, everything between Edmund and I seemed to be happening rather quickly. Despite feeling happy and warm for the blessings I had received, I still couldn’t stop the emotions of being overwhelmed. Edmund’s father must have sensed I was ready for a rest and said, “I am a little tuckered out. How about you, Anne? Edmund, you have a lot planned with this young lady tomorrow. Now that everyone is full, why don’t you get the help to bring Anne and our other guests back to their rooms.” Edmund clapped his hands, and a few maids and butlers entered the banquet room to assist their assigned guests. Edmund’s parents left the banquet room first, followed by the other guests. The only people left in the banquet room was Edmund and I together with a maid and a butler acting as our chaperones. I could tell that Edmund wanted to end the night with a good night kiss, but all that he was allowed to do at this point was hold or kiss my hand. More than that was considered something that you would do with your husband, and Edmund wasn’t my husband yet. Edmund clasped my hand and squeezed it. He, then, brought it up to his warm lips and held it there for a few seconds as if he was thinking what to do with it, and finally he held it against his cheek. Next, he took a deep breath in as if he was taking in the feeling of my skin against his face. Then, he slowly and passionately kissed near the spot on my hand where the ring was while we were sitting next to each other at the table. He was taken aback by how quickly and deeply his feelings developed for her. While holding on to the same hand, he walked me to the bottom of the stairwell and bid me goodnight. The female chaperone led me up the stairs, and I occasionally looked back and saw that Edmund was still watching me head up the stairs to one of the guest bedrooms. The maid gave me pajamas that I could change into and then left me alone to sleep. I took off the necklace and laid it on the vanity dresser. Then, I slipped into bed and laid down. While gazing at the dazzling ring, I could still feel the tingling and warm sensation of Edmund’s kiss on my hand. I continued to stare at the ring until my eyes got too tired to keep them open and fell asleep.
When I awoke from slumber, time had fast forwarded to us being married and living together in his mansion. Edmund bought me many stunning new dresses that I wore. Because my memory still hadn’t fully recovered, I completely forgot that I could make my own dresses. Therefore, I engaged in many new hobbies, such as painting and learning how to play instruments my husband had collected for me from all around the world. Despite not having many of my own household duties, I always had ways to keep busy and make good use of myself. Besides ladies visiting for afternoon tea, I spent a lot of time planning and hosting social events that would help my husband climb the social ladder. Edmund had a study with a massive library where I often kept busy.
Edmund often said he loved me, and his way of showing it was showering me with exquisite things. He was rich and tried his best to give me anything my heart desired. My Edmund spoiled me a lot to make up for times he was away from me tending to business matters or too busy with duties to spend time with me. Because I told him I adore nature and gardens, he even had a large garden paradise built in the backyard of the estate. Edmund was a thoughtful and giving husband. Although he was excellent at showing love through giving and doing things for me, there were several special occasions when he wasn’t available to spend time with me despite promising he would. The more important of a figure he became, the less he was around. In that case, celebrating with his family and our friends was a way to remind me of him. I fully enjoyed his company when he was around, but when he wasn’t I often felt lonely and bored. It wasn’t because I was alone or didn’t have anything to do. It was because I missed him dearly and wanted to wait to do some special activities that we both enjoyed when we were together. Despite being happy and content for the most part, something still seemed missing in my life. Therefore, I allowed my mind to contemplate such disturbing thoughts: “What was the use of married life with a man whose duties had to come before family? Or how about a man that had to be away from home for longer periods of time than other men? If he would have written me letters while he was away, it would have been better.
The dream moved on to a day when I had just finished having tea with lady friends and entertaining some important guests of my husband. My husband was there to watch me play music on the hammered dulcimer, which he purchased for me on one of his trips. He gave me a hug and kiss and spoke in his charismatic voice, “That was absolutely splendid my darling. Listening to you play is delightful.” Then before I could say more, Edmund asked, “What are your plans for today, dear?”
“You know my plans darling. My plans are always to be together with you,” I responded. “We haven’t gone on an outing together or a picnic in a while.”
“I have business to attend to first, so I’ll miss afternoon lunch and tea, but perhaps we can have an early supper together at the garden picnic tables. And if you fancy an evening under the stars, we can stargaze after dinner,” said Edmund.
“I will be waiting and roaming around the garden until you return, my husband. Farewell my darling and return home soon,” I replied.
“I promise I’ll be back before you know it,” said Edmund. Although Edmund truly meant what he said, his duties sometimes kept him longer than he thought. And as a result, he sometimes couldn’t keep his promises.
The ladies I usually have tea with left the estate first. Then Edmund left with the three important political figures, but he seemed to have a look of dismay because he knew I was disappointed about him having to go on a business trip to take care of political matters. Although Edmund thrived in an environment where he could accomplish many goals, his favorite place to be was with me. It was sometimes challenging for him to balance those two things. After I watched Edmund and the guests leave, I slipped away to my home garden paradise retreat. Many thoughts ran through my mind as I sat down on my garden swing. I still couldn’t remember everything about my identity. Occasionally, some visions of memories sewing dresses popped into my head. However, I usually dismissed them because I couldn’t yet remember other things about my life before I fell and hit my head. If I was really a dressmaker before meeting my husband, my identity changed so quickly. As I sat on the garden swing, I only had feelings of always being an aristocratic lady. I wasn’t able to imagine anything other than being what I am now. The aristocratic life was nice, but I didn’t always feel so free. I had a nagging feeling that there was another side of me I needed to explore. Anxiety started to come over me about knowing other memories and aspects of myself from the past. This made me contemplate a possible temporary escape plan to find out more about my old life—the one I left behind. It seemed rash and risky to try leaving without being seen by the help and being able to come back before my husband did. I didn’t want my husband to find out and worry unnecessarily. Edmund always worried for my safety and didn’t want me leaving the house without a chaperone, and he preferred to be the one accompanying me.
A white wooden fence surrounded the entire garden. It was such a beautiful garden, but enclosed like an aesthetic jail. The maids and the butlers always seemed to watch me as if my husband asked them to watch my every move. I saw one of the butlers whispering to a maid after my husband left. Edmund must have told him to position a female chaperone to keep a close eye on me while he was gone. That usually meant there was a strong possibility he might be gone for days or weeks despite him saying he would return for supper. The maid saw me glancing over at the fence a few times and had a look of suspicion.
She asked, “Mistress, what do you plan to do in the garden today?”
“Oh dear, would you mind grabbing my new favorite book Edmund brought back for me? I left it somewhere on my bed or on my bedroom dresser. And if it’s not, please help me take a look in Edmund’s study room. I might have left it in his study when I was last there with him. He was at his desk while I was reading by the fireplace.”
“Sure Madame,” said the maid as she curtsied and then walked away. Since I wasn’t sure where I last laid down my book, I figured that would keep the maid busy for a while. If I was going to escape and explore on my own today, now was my chance to do it or never. It might be a long time before I could have the chance again to explore unchaperoned, and I didn’t want my husband or anyone connected to him to find out yet about my past. I wasn’t sure if the idea of him possibly marrying a dressmaker would upset him and his family or cause any of the help to disrespect me. I needed to hurry before the maid asked for a replacement chaperone, so I quickly managed to find a way to climb over the fence without anyone seeing. It was my goal to get back before my husband did so that he wouldn’t worry and also so the help wouldn’t get in trouble as a result of my actions. It was inevitable that the help would be the first to find out and would go bonkers at the thought of my husband getting angry with them for not watching me better. I also couldn’t make it look like I voluntarily escaped. It was better to make it seem like I was kidnapped or that there was some kind of struggle. So, I started doing things to make the garden look a little messy or ransacked. I knocked a few small garden statues and botted plants over. I also dumped out a vase of flowers and put the vase and some drink glasses out in the grass. I had to break them on the ground to make it look like I tried to throw it at kidnappers who climbed over the fence. I purposely knocked over some chairs and a picnic table as well. I had to make it look like I was kidnapped from the picnic table for ransom since my husband was rich. Little did I know that my actions would bite me in the ass or really cause a tragedy to happen in my life.
At first I had trouble getting over the fence, but then I saw a large garden stone by the fence. If the stone wasn’t large enough, I would try climbing a garden tree by the fence. My last option or plan C was to grab some of the garden tables and chairs and to make a small tower or pyramid to climb up and over. However, that would make it look like my escape was planned. But I stacked some objects anyway because I figured that was an easier way for kidnappers to get me over a fence. There could have been two kidnappers. One could have knocked me out and carried me. One guy could have stood on something high like a picnic table they moved to the fence in order to prop me and the other kidnapper up and over the fence. Eventually, I actually made it over by climbing the tree that had some branches cascading over the fence. I was able to climb up and crawl across the branch. Then, I grabbed onto the other side of the fence and pulled myself over. To make it down the only way was to jump. So, I let go and slid straight down. The bottom of my dress around the knees got a little dirty, and a piece of the dress tore while I was climbing or jumping down. I tore off a piece of my dress that was already ripped from a branch, and I stuck a piece through a peep hole in the fence as if to leave a clue there for my husband to find. If my husband found out I purposely escaped via a tree, he would probably have this beautiful tree chopped down. Suddenly, I heard the maid return calling my name, because I wasn’t sitting at the swing. I needed to hurry and get away before more maids and butlers arrived to organize some kind of search party. Luckily, Edmund’s parents were away traveling to a social event. If they were at the estate, I wouldn’t have been bold enough or had enough nerve to do it. They might think I wasn’t so civilized or as much of a lady if they caught me doing something like this.
As soon as I stood up and brushed some dirt and dust off my dress, I noticed some forestry in the far distance. It was possible to escape there, but it might not lead to anywhere, and I could more easily get lost. So, I started walking in the middle of a dirt pathway surrounded by grass and weeds. Suddenly, I saw what looked like a patriot in a blue coat walking towards me with a boy. The boy appeared to be around 10 years old and could have been his son. I remember my husband mentioning a war for territory was breaking out and I didn’t know what side I was on before getting the amnesia. The man saw me and made a face as if he recognized who I was. I didn’t understand what he was doing near my husband’s estate. I wasn’t sure whether to wait to see if he would speak to me or run away. Maybe, connecting to him would give me important information as to who I was.
When he got closer, he said, “Dear, where have you been? We have been looking for you for years!”
I replied, “I’m not your dear.”
He grabbed me and responded, “Have you forgotten? I am your husband and this is your son.”
I thought for a moment, “Am I old enough to already have a son that looks around 10 years old?” I actually forgot my age, but I thought that I looked young. I couldn’t be any older than my early to mid-20s. Most young women got married before they reached their early 20s. Mid 20s was already considered late to get married. I shouted, “Unhand me this instant, let go! This is where I belong, see my dress? I just came from this beautiful garden behind this fence. And I live with my husband at this estate behind the fence.”
He thought I was making things up and retorted, “We are not gonna lose you again! You are coming with us!”
I then exclaimed, “But my husband will look for me and he will be very angry! And he may not be on your side!” I actually didn’t know if my husband was a political Whig supporting the crown or supporting the patriots. I also didn’t know which side I was personally on before I had amnesia and met my husband. I went on to say to the patriot, “He is an important person connected to the British crown and monarchy. He may be given more land and be awarded the title of governor. He is a knight and a lord and can have you arrested, maybe even killed if he finds out you kidnapped me.”
Then the man snapped, “There is no one looking for you but me! You and a British lord—you are lying!”
“But I’m not. I fell and had amnesia and did marry a British lord.” I went on to tell him how I met the British lord. I realized I made a mistake as he could be an enemy of my husband, or I actually might have put crazy ideas in his head about kidnapping me for ransom.
He then asked, “Do you love him? If you really married a British lord and live at such a large estate, then why are you not in the estate with your husband? Why are you beyond this fence? It seems like you are an unhappy wife and escaped. My son here is without his mother, and I no longer have a wife to help around the house while I am gone, so you can return with me and become my wife.” The boy nudged his father, and then the man cleared his throat and expressed, “You used to be my wife.”
Then, I went to the boy and knelt down to look him in the eye because kids are usually innocent. “Are you truly my son?”
“Yes mam,” said the boy as he shifted his eyes from my gaze down to his feet.
Something seemed off. I still had a hard time believing I was remotely connected to this man and this boy. I couldn’t recall any memories of them, but then again, my memories seemed to show that I was alone most of the time sewing. I didn’t remember anything about friends or family. I stood up again and I started to panic. I told them I couldn’t go back with them, because they didn’t show me any evidence of being connected to them.
Then the stranger claimed, “Actually, I have a little bit of evidence. Here is a necklace with a locket containing your image inside. You gave me this locket as a wedding gift.”
It actually looked similar to a locket my Edmund kept with my image inside and was probably stolen from him. So, I blurted, “No, I bet you stole it from my husband!”
The man started showing frustration. “I never met your husband, and I never stepped foot on your husband’s estate.”
“Then, how come you are near my husband’s estate now? Did you actually plan to kidnap me?”
I wondered if one of the butlers or maids would be involved in a ransom and would have stolen the locket to give to this man. I started to turn around and make a run for it, but the man seized me. He started pulling me aggressively and tied me to him with a rope. He tied a rope from his arm and then around my wrist. Although I voluntarily escaped from the garden, I didn’t mean to leave indefinitely. I was just being adventurous and a little rebellious. Back in those hard days, people thought it wasn’t good for a lady to leave their home by themselves without their husband, friends, parents, or chaperones. I wasn’t sure if this man heard about my amnesia and saw an opportunity to use me for personal gain. I believed he was making things up. I thought of two reasons why he could benefit from kidnapping me and trying to make me believe I was his wife. After hearing news of a woman with amnesia marrying a rich lord, he plotted to kidnap me for either of these two reasons. He could gain a new wife and a mother for his kid. Or he was trying to get ransom money from my husband. As soon as I wondered whether I was a wife of both a poor patriot and a wealthy aristocrat, I woke up from the dream.
